Yes that’s a clickbait headline, but I wouldn’t go vintage Buzzfeed on you if I wasn’t being earnest. So let me tell you about this coffee I had the other night.
I’m eating out at a fancy Vietnamese joint in downtown D.C. Since I don’t drink alcohol, I have to scan the back of the menu to find the spiritual kiddie table that is the zero-proof section. The restaurant has only three options, one of which is “salted Vietnamese coffee.” Because this drink is still in the early stages of the cultural appropriation process, I have never heard of it before. The menu offers no details past the name of the drink, and I’m trying to avoid a visit to Dr. Rick by being the dad who asks the server 50 questions before ordering anything. So I don’t know if this coffee will be iced or hot. Because it’s listed under “soft drinks,” I don’t know if it’ll be carbonated or not. I don’t know how salty it will be.
Before I get to America’s leading football moron, here is a quick assessment of the college football landscape after Saturday's games. Every team is horrible except for Ohio State, which crushed 17th-ranked Illinois in Champaign yesterday. Unless Ryan Day manages to outdumb himself somehow, the Buckeyes are gonna bulldoze their way to a repeat. Every quarterback is ALSO horrible. Yes, that includes Arch Manning, who is now at the “get lavish praise merely for winning a game in which you failed to crack 200 yards” stage of bustdom that Bryce Young is currently enjoying. And Penn State has gone from merely disappointing to outright bad, which is good news for those of us (everyone) who’d like to see James Franklin shot out of a cannon.
I think that covers everything. Now let’s talk about North Carolina eating shit.
October is the time when baseball becomes a test of fan endurance. It's easy to spend a lazy July afternoon at your team’s ballpark with all of your worst drinking buddies. That’s entry-level baseball fandom. But are you willing to suffer the emotional trials of October, when your team’s games run into the wee hours and every pitch may as well be aimed directly at your left ventricle? What if you root for a team that NEVER wins in October? What if that team needed to win a decisive Game 5 in the LDS just for the chance to disappoint you on a grander stage?
Most importantly: What if the deciding game in question NEVER FUCKING ENDED?